With lockdown 2.0 just having started and many uncertainties ahead of us, it’s good have a few things you can count on. And one of the things I can tell you with a great degree of certainty is that we’ll spend more time in online meetings than we want to in the coming weeks. I’ll give you the bad news up front: there is practically no fun to be had in online meetings. The only consolation is that when you do them right, you can limit pain to a minimum. In that regard they are like visits to the dentist. If you do them regularly and approach them with the necessary amount of anxiety, it’s possible to get to the end of them having suffered only a minimal amount of emotional scarring. However, there a few precautions to take, so if you want to make the most of your online meetings, just follow the steps listed below and you’ll be (mostly) fine.
Lower your expectations
One of the key prerequisites to a good online meeting is low expectations. And when I say low, I mean low. Before you join the meeting, be prepared for the fact that at least one person’s internet connection will be crap so that it will be practically impossible to make out what they say and their face will eventually freeze in a position so awkward that it will give you nightmares for years to come. Colleague Two will have a black screen, making you wonder whether something’s wrong or if they just want to hide the fact that they are not properly dressed. Colleague Three will be two minutes late, prompting Colleague Four to panic and call them. Meanwhile, Colleague Five will go off on a rant unrelated to anything that’s being discussed in the meeting and Colleague Six will make up for the negativity by being unnecessarily upbeat. In the unlikely event that Colleague Seven has a stable internet connection and is not on the verge of a nervous breakdown, they will forget to turn on their microphone and thus prompt colleagues 1-6 to turn on theirs and simultaneously say the words ‘We cannot hear you. Turn on your microphone’, thus causing the mother of all feedback loops.
Have the meeting link at hand
I can practically promise you that a minute after the meeting has started, an email with the subject line ‘Does anyone have the meeting link?!’ will appear in your inbox. If you’re well prepared, you’ll have the link to the meeting at hand and can send it right away, thus showcasing your superior preparation. If the gods look benignly on you and your meeting that day, I-can’t-find-the-meeting-link colleague will join the meeting a few second later and hold everyone up further by needlessly apologizing and assuring everybody that they had the link just a minute ago and don’t know where it went. However, if the universe is out to test your patience, said colleague will proceed to ask for the meeting password although everyone else joined the meeting just by clicking on the link. That’s normally the moment I start to roll my eyes and send the complete meeting invite in German to give unprepared colleague a bit of heart attack before they realize that the German word for password is Passwort.
Practice your facial expressions
If you are blessed with a resting bitch face like me, I advise you to work on your facial expressions. What you’re aiming for is an expression of interest and openness that conveys engagement without seeming too eager. I personally find it helpful to think of the cup of coffee I allow myself after every meeting, which gives me what I believe is a positive and focused expression. Should you get info that you find disconcerting, upsetting or simply confusing and are unsure of an appropriate facial expression to mark the occasion, I suggest you look at the colleague you trust most and just copy their facial expression. If you inadvertently disclose information that is not yet public, it is fine to let your surprise and remorse show in its full glory. I suggest you then apologize. Profusely and repeatedly. And to round this up, here’s a word of warning to everyone who thinks people don’t notice if you’re checking your emails during the meeting: people do notice. But at the end of the day, nobody is going to hold it against you because we all do it.
Clear your browser history and your desktop
It’s mostly when you think that the meeting is going reasonably well that someone will say the words, ‘Could you briefly share your screen and show us X?’. There are few things that make my blood run cold like these words because given that I mostly have to use my personal computer for online meetings, there are a lot of personal things on my desktop that I really don’t anyone to see. To add to the trauma, my shared computer screen has been held hostage not only once but twice. I mean, what do you do if someone likes your shared screen so much that they ask you to click on stuff although they’ve long outstayed their welcome? Do you just stop sharing? Feign technical problems? Ask them to leave? I’ll leave that one for you to ponder because I don’t have a good answer yet.
Assume you are the problem
If something unexpected or strange happens, it’s cautious to assume you are the problem. I spent a very long two minutes wondering which idiot thought it appropriate to play classical music before finding out that the idiot was me. Thank you, Spotify. The same goes for technical problems. If things aren’t working properly, it’s a good idea to refrain from screaming at your device until you’ve had a good think about whether you could have caused the technical hiccup yourself. That holds especially true when you’ve had a fight with your device prior to the meeting and used the good old ‘I’ll just randomly press keys until the problem disappears or my anger dissolves’-technique.
Mentally prepare for a weird ending
On a weirdness scale of slightly awkward to unbearable, the end of an online meeting comfortably sits about two metres above the ‘unbearable’ end. First of all, it is a rare meeting that doesn’t end with someone saying ‘X, can you stay on this call for a couple of minutes? I need to discuss something with you’ and you are reminded of the many occasions when mum and dad sent you out of the room to discuss the punishment for your latest transgression. So, you’re left wondering what’s going to happen in your absence while everyone merrily waves, gives a thumbs up and utters a range of non-words to announce their departure and their content with the outcome of the meeting. Most scarily, at the end of meetings British people all of sudden start to use facial expressions to underline emotions, a thing mostly unheard of in offline life, and thus look so weird that you wonder if they are secretly being stabbed in the back by Chucky the murder puppet and are actually screaming for help.
Never assume you’re safe
The tragedy happened around online meeting nr. 50. Being equally naïve and arrogant, I thought I had seen it all, let down my guard for a moment and did not join the meeting early in order to make sure that the equipment was fine. I will spare you the whole run-down of the tragedy, but just to say that it’s not ideal to have to watch an important training session that tells you how to get a video online at a certain time on your phone and every time you try to zoom in on a detail you colleagues get to see a close-up of your hands. So, here’s my last piece of advice: join the meeting early if you can! There are a million things that can go wrong equipment-wise and we all have enough stress without being late to an online meeting.
So, here we go! This is all the advice I have to offer for the moment, but given that I’ll be stuck in front of my screen for at least the next four weeks and that the monster that is 2020 just never rests, it is very possible there will be a second instalment of online meeting survival tips at some point. Until then, stay safe, clear your desktops, lower your expectations and brace for the next online meeting.
One Comment
whoiscall
Cheers!